but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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