Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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