actually, I'm a sock model
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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