just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
