Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
