He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
