Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
