we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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