just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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