You can't motorboat a personality
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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