you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
