either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
