i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
