if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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