I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
