i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
