Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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