Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
