Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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