That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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