Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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