I hate your face
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
