meet me or not, i'm out of control
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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