Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
