I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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