when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
