his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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