I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
