I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize