I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
