And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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