I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
