Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize