I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
