I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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