I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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