I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
