I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I can't turn off my feet"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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