Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
