Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
