just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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