my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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