Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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