If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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