one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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