Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
