the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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