just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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