I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
