tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
