Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
