my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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