OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
