i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
