I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
