you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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